(21.05.2003 - 12:34 p.m.)
Sometimes you find yourself sat alone in your room, contemplating how shitty things are; how criminal it is that your obvious talents are going to waste here in nowheresville. If one person (just one person!) would give you a break, you would work so hard to make sure that you didn't fuck things up. If you could just get that break. But then you realise that the world doesn't owe you anything; that it isn't written anywhere that life will turn out fine. No one made any promises to you when you tumbled into existence. And the weight comes crashing down on your shoulders: It's all down to you. No one is going to do anything for you. You have to live with your own successes and failures. You have to negotiate your own strengths and weaknesses. And somehow you have to find your own way. Maybe you'll have to dodge left and right before you find the centre. But it's all down to you. It just feels like I've been dodging left and right for a very long time now. Six months? It feels like thirty years, as melodramatic as I am sure that sounds. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I have no idea where the next ounce of strength is coming from.
and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you
much better than this
full of grace
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