(23.02.2005 - 8:06 p.m.)
Is it unavoidable, this slow slide into becoming the person you never wanted to be? You see, I've lost something. All of a sudden I find myself listening to acoustic music and soft rock all the time. Where did the edge go? Why don't I want to listen to Rage Against The Machine twenty-four seven? How is it that I find more to listen to on Radio 2 these days than I do on Radio 1? How is it that the many, many things I used to care so much about, and rant so passionately about, have somehow come to mean less? Or is it not so much that they mean less, but that somehow I simply find it impossible to absorb myself in them anymore? That time that I used to find so valuable, that thinking, still time. Where did that time go? "Emotionally aloof". That's a good phrase. It has occured to me of late that I am all kinds of "emotionally aloof". It has also occured to me that, despite all the thoughts that I used to have, despite all those grand ideas, I never really am going to change the world. There's a barrier in my head, a ceiling which I can only look up at. Whatever that barrier is and whoever put it there, it seems impenetrable. I only wish that I could see what was on the other side. The difficulty is that it's been there for so long, I don't know where to begin. Which spot do you choose to chip away at? How do you decide? And where do you find the tools? I need a helping hand. I just don't know who's.
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