(2002-03-24 - 9:27 p.m.)
Someone asked me today why I am always putting myself down and why, once you get to know me, how little self-esteem I have. Apparently, at least at first, I give an appearance of being confident and together... which really isn't the case at all.
But I couldn't, until just recently, put my relative lack of self-worth down to any particular thing. But the more I think about it, the more I can relate it to a number of factors.
One of them at least is the fact that I was bullied as a kid. I haven't been able to think about this until more recently. Maybe it sounds really odd, but I had totally blanked the experience from my memory, or at least buried it in a place that was really hard to find. As a kid I was pretty fat, and day in, day out, I used to get ragged about my weight. I can remember countless times where people were mocking me because of that... My surname is, it seems, so very easily turned in to Fatwell... And I still think that if someone called me that today, I really couldn't hack it. I don't know what I would do. Cry, scream, try and kill them?
But the effect of bullying never really goes away I think. It doesn't matter how many times people tell me that I am worth something and that I have a lot to offer. Somewhere, deep inside, where my most terrible secrets lie, I suspect that I am absolutely worthless. That I have nothing to offer anyone. Somewhere within me I am still a fat, useless kid.
Somehow I have to conquer that fear. The problem is I don't know where to start...
But does it have something to do with my natural disposition as well? I am my own worst critic. If I fail at something I always take it very hard, and I know full well that I don't handle rejection very well. Am I just predisposed to be the self-deprecating schmuck that I appear to be?
Shit. This must be really depressing to read... I should finish with a joke...
Dammit it all to hell! I can't think of a good one...
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"Deep Down Into The Pain"
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So naive, so innocent / Thrust in a world too intense / Flesh is weak but the soul is strong / And you will bleed but you'll carry on.
Yes you need your pain / Life is pain / I could hold your hand / But you must take your pain.
I don't need sacrifice / I don't need advice / This hurt surrounds me like a dissonance / Anger is power / I use it to protect myself from insanity.
You gotta' go down deep down into the pain / Let it purge your soul like flesh to a razor blade / Dig deep down into the pain / Surrender, surrender / Drift into euphoria.
Time may never heal the wounds / Hearts bleed hard / Even the Sun cries Moon / Fate is tragic just for heavens sake / The good lord giveth and taketh away.
'Cause you need your pain / god gave us pain / I can hold you in my arms / But I can't take away your pain.
I am not long for this world please / Save me from myself and my discipline / Lashing out with tight fists in despair / My plight is running from reality.
Put yourself down deep into the pain / Embrace the bliss of pure sensation / You can't escape from ultimate pain / So let your senses drift into euphoria.
Blood is thickest when love is bold / But blood runs thin when the heart grows cold.
So you need your pain / we all need pain / We were born into this world / to feel the joy of all our pain.
And the fight is on / Every minute of every day / Every action in every way / Is every creature's expression to be one with it's creator.
The above is from Steve Vai's amazing 1993 album "Sex & Religion." I suggest you buy it and expand your minds...
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