Nothingman
(24.01.2003 - 10:17 a.m.)

So, in an effort to follow the Life Makeover that I'm attempting, I should write in here for the equivalent of three pages. I don't know how well I'll do, but I'll give it a go.

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As I sat in the pub on Wednesday night, it was a real shock to be told that I "oozed confidence." Me? Ooze confidence?! Have you read many entries in this diary? Confidence isn't something that I have in abundance. If the person who told me that knew how scared I was most of the time, they would be surprised, methinks.

But maybe that's it. Maybe that's what I've been missing for all these years. It's not actually being confident that counts, but giving people the impression that you are when it matters the most. For example, you sometimes need to give your children or your partner the confidence to do something, or confidence in you to get through, even though you might secretly have doubts yourself. Sometimes you just have to.

And I guess that raises questions of truth and honesty. How far should you go to give someone the impression of confidence and ability? Is it dishonest to do so? And, equally, I suppose that it's up to the individual and the situation that they find themselves in to answer that. If it was an emergency situation, showing doubt and insecurity could have dangerous consequences. If it was less serious, perhaps it would be better to discuss exactly how you feel.

But getting my head around the marriage of me and confidence is just a little too much. I'm the biggest scaredy-cat there is. Why else do you think I sit around and find excuses not to do things?

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Question: What would you do if you knew that the world was going to be nuked on a specific day, at a specific time?

If something goes seriously awry with the looming conflict in Iraq, and we end up blowing the world to hell, what would you do with your last few moments on earth? I could sit here and pontificate about being with family and friends; perhaps enjoying the last sex that you will ever have. Maybe you'd sit and watch a movie that has been a favourite of yours since the dawn of time. But when it comes down to it, I have absolutely no idea of what I would do. I think it's impossible to imagine how I would feel if I knew that a nuclear blast wave was heading my way at a rate of knots.

That's an interesting concept, being unable to imagine something. The very definition of imagination suggests something that can't be known. Although we do use our imagination to see things that we have known. But do you think that it's impossible to imagine being caught up in a bomb blast? Maybe what we imagine is entirely innacurate and bears no relation to the actual experience, but surely we can still imagine it? Or does gross inaccuracy negate the imagined experience?

If something along those lines did happen, I would simply hope to have the courage to face the event with dignity. I certainly wouldn't want to spend my last moments on earth in blind panic and terror.

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I think I have some concept of how fragile the balance of things in this life are; I don't think you can work in a mortuary without contemplating it at some point. And events around the world remind me of that fragility all the time. I heard of someone in a friend's life being strangled to death yesterday. I watched the news about civil war in Liberia, and about students being killed in a skiing accident.

Life is more fragile than most perceive it to be. And no, that's not a depressing thought; it's not something to be scared of. On the contrary, it makes life what it is; an extraordinary and precious experience. Perhaps we ought to contemplate that fragility more often, though. It's peculiar to think that, however unlikely, vast expanses of humanity could be wiped out so easily. Can you imagine a world without us?

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Maybe it's better to contemplate the fact that you might never fall in love, than to be with someone you claim to be in love with, and aren't. I genuinely think that I would rather be single than in a relationship based on false pretense. Laylagoddess made me think about it. She's more inspirational than she gives herself credit for.

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And why did half of Pearl Jam's fan base disappear just as they were starting to make some seriously good music? It seems incredible to me that Pearl Jam's and Soundgarden's fanbase started to tail off, almost in direct correlation to their making some of the best music of their careers.

I think it would be accurate to say that a large number of people consider Pearl Jam's best albums to be Vs. and Ten. And don't get me wrong, I love them. But subsequent albums are much better. Vitalogy and Yield in particular are fantastic works. So what was with all the questions when the former came out?

• "Why's Eddie singing like that?"
• "None of the songs sound like Evenflow!"
• "What are those? Experimental songs?!"

Get the net, people. Do you really want to buy seven Pearl Jam albums that sound exactly the same? And wouldn't you rather they maintained some kind of integrity, if necessary taking a step away from the mainstream, to help create some wonderful music? Good God, they even campaigned for cheaper tickets for YOU, their so called fans!

Cliched closing thought: Ah well. Wouldn't life be boring if we all thought the same?

Very Jerry Springer, that.

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Currently spinning: Vitalogy, Pearl Jam.

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