Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
(27.01.2003 - 2:46 p.m.)

The pressure has increased twofold on me to head out into the world and find myself a job. I know that I should be doing it. I know that I can't sit around unemployed forever. But now I have an extra person nagging me about what I could be doing, thinking that they're being helpful, when really all they are doing is adding to the noise in my head.

The truth is that I have no idea what I want to do and no idea who might be able to help me find out. Nothing anyone suggests really appeals to me, and every time something does peak my interest there is some kind of "essential" skill in a list somewhere that I simply don't have.

I feel like I'm starting to suffocate. What I really want to do is sit here and beat the shit out of this keyboard until my fingers are bloody and there are shards of black plastic all over the room. But then where will I be? Unemployed and suffocating with sore hands, that's where.

I saw an advert for an artists programme with the British Antarctic Survey. It boasted of unprecendented opportunities to live in the Antarctic between October this year and March of next, with nothing more to do than be inspired by the landscape and produce work in whichever medium you chose. What they didn't tell you was that they are only interested in artists with established links to publishers and galleries; artists that have had their work exhibited already. Will someone please tell me how the fuck you get a break in this line of work?

I know I'm worth something. I know that I am worth caring about. But somehow I can't make other people see that.

oOo oOo oOo

And people who make grandiose statements about themselves and others really piss me off.

Don't sit there and tell me that I can't appreciate a point of view; maybe I can't understand, but I can appreciate. Everyone is complex. Everyone has issues that they have to deal with. Do not assume that you know how I am feeling, because none of us really knows how the next person is feeling. Do not sit there and tell me that there are people in the world who are worse off than me, because my problems are relative to my life, therefore someone else's problems do not make me feel better about mine. Don't tell me that you've been there before and can appreciate the situation, because each of us perceives a given situation in our own way.

Give me advice when I ask for it. Don't feel that you have to talk all the time; sometimes listening is all that is needed, and sometimes a shoulder to cry on.

Right now some peace would do. I have far too much to think about. Or do I? Maybe I'm such a lazy motherfucker that I just can't deal with things that other people consider normal and day to day. Maybe I am more useless than I ever imagined I could be. And now I'm just arguing round in circles with myself, which has to be a sure sign of out and out madness.

Someone please shut me up. Because I don't seem to be able to stop myself. oOo oOo oOo

Currently spinning: The Best of 1990 - 2000, U2.

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