A Ghost Is Born
(04.08.2004 - 10:57 a.m.)

So. Solaris was better than I had expected. I heard quite a bit of bad word of mouth at the time of it's release. But then, putting my snob's hat on for a moment or two, I don't know why I would expect anything less from an audience that tends to think anything set in space needs huge laser guns and at least two massive explosions in order to be of high quality.

Solaris is the sort of sustained mood piece that I become really involved with. It goes hand-in-hand for me with movies such as Lost In Translation, Monster's Ball or Igby Goes Down. Whilst they are all of a different texture or tone, they all have the same level of craft, care and attention to detail. Contemporary gems of movies, all of them.

And which would you chose? A life on earth without the one you love, or an imagined life in a distant place, where you know that nothing is quite what it seems, and that the person before you is perhaps just a facsimile of that love, but at least tangible?

oOo oOo oOo

12:50pm

And I find it funny, how during the week, it depresses me when I come home to a house full of unfinished jobs. Yet, when I have time off and plenty of hours in the day to do said jobs, I somehow can't bring myself to do them, preferring instead to write in here, or browse Amazon, or listen to music.

I become bored by things easily, I think. I thrive when something is fresh and new and holds some kind of mystery. But when that sheen fades and this wonderful thing starts to become familiar, I manage to distance myself and cut myself off from it. I give my all to whatever that thing is until it seems that there is nothing left to give.

The difficulty is that I am sure that there is something left to give; that there is another level that I am missing out on. That somehow, this addiction to that initial rush of adrenaline, makes me more shallow than the rest of you. Because isn't that how a child behaves? They love their new Buzz Lightyear toy like no toy that they have ever had before. Until, that is, they tire of hearing the same laser gun sounds of old, and the flashing lights cease to provide any kind of amusement.

This pains me most of all because I know that I have treated people that way in life. In the intial phases of meeting someone, they intrigue me. All their ticks and their traits fascinate me. I want to know what it is that makes their head spin; what it is that feeds them, helps them to grow. And not only that, but I want to be the one to provide them with it. I want to see how I can help them. How I can make them smile. How I can see them rise above what they are.

But just as I start to find out, just as pieces of that person start to become familiar to me, someone else bowls into my life with a new perspective.

And off I go, only to repeat the whole cycle all over again. Never settling, never finding that depth or peace of mind. Never really opening myself up. Never really connecting. Never really.... loving.

oOo oOo oOo

I think these last two entries from today and yesterday are perhaps the most honest, open and candid that I have ever been here in this diary. I suppose what I have said is not, in any way, revelatory. They aren't original ideas by any stretch of the imagination. But the divisions in my life are proving just that: divisive.

I have to try to free myself from the excuses that have become a reflex in my life. Just as sure as smiling at a person in the street is a habit, so are the distancing mechanisms that I have been employing for too long now. It will take time, but I can change. I know I can.

Will you ever see me more than Pavlov's hungry dog?

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Currently Spinning: Wilco, Company In My Back
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