Baby, You Make My Heart Beat Faster
(03.08.2004 - 10:48 a.m.)

I used to believe that I was angry and that I didn't know why. But it has occured to me lately that I know exactly why I feel angry.

I am angry at myself. Angry for all the times I have let people down. Angry for all the times I have sat around and indulged myself instead of getting on with things. Angry for all the lies I have told, no matter how small and insignificant they seem. Angry for not giving more of myself to others. Angry for needing so much time for myself. Angry for not expressing myself and holding things in. Angry because I have high expectations. Angry because they are frequently not met. Angry for not living up to the expectations I have of myself.

And, ultimately, it all folds in on itself and I am simply angry for being angry.

If I have ever been angry with you, and you were surprised or felt that it was wholly unwarranted, then I apologise. I am more sorry than you know.

I am only really angry at myself.

oOo oOo oOo

I smiled to myself on Sunday when, as I walked around the museum, a small boy with curly brown hair and trousers that were too short for him walked by in a black t-shirt, emblazoned with the words "Missouri Truckers".

And there I was, sat on the porch, looking out into the woods, unable to see more than a few feet into that darkness. And I could smell you standing behind me. And the faint sounds of Damon Gough drifted through the space between us.

I felt the warmth and depth of your smile.

And I was calm.

______________________________________________________
Currently Spinning: The Distillers, Beat Your Heart Out
Link-O-Rama Link Of The Day: