(2002-03-03 - 8:23 p.m.)
I'm confused by the term "Postmodern." I've written 5,000 words on the subject, but still it baffles me.
The whole idea of postmodernism is a paradox. Let me explain. The definition of postmodernism in "A Brief Guide to Ideas: Turning Points in the History of Human Thought" is as follows:
"The cultural and social phenomena meaning that no global explanation of conduct or meaning is credible in an age in which rationality is so problematic."
So there can be no over-arching, all encompassing reason why we do the things we do, and what the implications and meanings of those actions are. But what is the above definition of the term, if not an over-arching, global explanation for the things that we do and why we do them? The definition cancels itself out!
What the hell, you probably don't care what the heck postmodernism is anyway... but it is an interesting concept, trust me on that.
Do you ever try to be something you're not? I don't mean in a big way, I just mean... I mean do you try and create a persona for yourself that isn't really you? To impress, or try and impress, someone else?
I've done it countless times when I've met people that I admire or want to like me. I don't mean famous people, just every day people. But I hate the fact that I do it at all. I should try and be proud of myself and who I am. But it seems so very difficult to do that to me...
I remember crying one time, because my brother and I had a big row, and he ended up telling me that I was so full of myself, and that I loved myself way too much. And I didn't start crying because we were fighting, but because he couldn't have been more wrong. I hated myself... so much that for that brief moment, I couldn't keep it inside anymore...
But doesn't that show that I am too big headed. Shouldn't I have been more concerned with stopping the argument, and making up with my own brother? All I could think about was how I felt about myself. I know a little introspection can be a good thing, but wasn't that just self-indulgence?
What am I talking about? This whole diary is self-indulgent! It's a way of getting rid of a few demons, which basically involves talking about myself all the time!
I could argue with myself about this all night...
Hello to everyone I've ever met... just becuase I can say that here. Perhaps one of them is reading this... perhaps not.
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