Bargain!
(30.01.2003 - 11:44 a.m.)
The Secret Diary of Legolas, Son of Weenus.
Day 1: Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission - gold ring so tacky.
Day 4: Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted we climb back down. Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!
Day 6: Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am developing a tangle. Orcs so silly. Still the prettiest.
Day 10: Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on my nose. Very serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more. Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.
Day 11: In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me. Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath. I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now? Still prettiest by far.
Day 30: All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion. Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Still the prettiest.
Day 33: Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite. Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself "Natalie" who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.
Day 35: Boromir dead. Very messy death, most unnecessary. Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on. Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really. Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.
More extracts from The Secret Diaries of The Fellowship tomorrow.
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After a recent trip to the New Art Gallery in Walsall, I was struck by one particular piece there. It was a chalk drawing by Sally Ryan called
A Winter Afternoon, Walking Home. I loved it for several reasons.
First, the stark and simple nature of the chalk itself suited the winter scene perfectly. Second, the pale colours made me think of those cool, crisp, hazy winter days that remind you it's good to be alive. But on top of both of these, the drawing reminded me of illustrations in a book I used to have when I was a kid. I believe it was called
A Boy Named Joe, or something similar to that, but it had the most wonderful line drawings that I used to look at endlessly. In fact, I'm pretty sure I used to wish I was Joe.
I can't find a good picture of the Sally Ryan piece, but if you go to the website of the
New Art Gallery and look at the
Garman Ryan Collection, you'll be able to find it. I hope you like it as much as I did.
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I've been very guilty of damning nu-metal in the past, and still stand by my opinion that a vast majority of it is complete and utter crap. However, I am granting a reprieve to Linkin Park, whose
Hybrid Theory I finally heard all the way through last night, and with which I was pleasantly surprised. I thought that
Points Of Authority in particular was a classy bit of riffage.
Day time television in the UK is so bad. If I hear David 'I-got-my-orange-tan-from-a-bottle' Dickinson say "Cheap as chips!" one more time, I may kill somebody.
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