Off To See The Wizard
(31.01.2003 - 10:14 a.m.)

Didn't go to bed 'til 2am. Subsequently feeling, for want of a better word, bollocksed. This is my fault, because I totally forgot that I had to be up at a vaguely reasonable time today. But it matters not, because I had had a wonderful time talking.

I'm going to invent some kind of home video contraption that you can plug into your head to record dreams. I'm sure it will work. It can't be all that hard to create some kind of cybernetic device that can communicate with the human brain. After all, David Cronenberg and James Cameron had absolutely no problem, and at least one of those is certainly not a genius.

And have you ever wondered why they charge so much for water in clubs? It's ridiculous. You can go into a club in London and pay �4 for a bottle. �4! Didn't anyone tell them that water is free? Water pours out of us. Water falls from the sky. We are positively swamped by water. Someone really ought to mention that even God didn't charge for water when he invented it. What's next? Oxygen Consumption Tax? Sunlight Radiance Levy?

And if you've ever seen Clerks, you'll know where I'm coming from here. Forget trying to bend like a contortionist. I could just send an Oral Sex Donation to myself! Problem solved!

If you would like to send a donation of fellatio to the author of this diary, details of how to do so can be found at the bottom of the page. The author would like you to know that he cannot be held responsible for any accusations of cheating that this donation may bring about. Nor can he be legally named in a divorce suit. Speaking of which, the author would like you to know that you can now check 'Today's Weather In Hell' at the bottom of the page.

oOo oOo oOo

The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor.

Day 1: Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got distracted there for a bit. Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn's enormous...rudeness. Ooops.

Day 3: Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.

Day 4: Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his...Stupid Ring.

Day 5: Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo. Ha! Ha! Ha! Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day 6: Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo." "Boromir, let me carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring." Blatant favouritism most annoying.

Day 10: Why isn't Aragorn into me?

Day 11: Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria. Kind of liked it, actually. Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what happened to him. Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too... In other news, Gandalf died.

Day 30: In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my rugged yet unwashed manliness. Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose. Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other. Stupid Aragorn.

Day 33: Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it. Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.) Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!

Day 35: Killed by orcs. Stupid orcs.

Stay tuned for the forthcoming Secret Diary of Frodo Baggins of The Shire. All you wanted to know, straight from the mind of the fabled Ring Bearer.

oOo oOo oOo

Currently spinning: Frank Meyers, Glen Phillips.

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